


Behind a Mask

by moodwriter



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Drugs, Language, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-27
Updated: 2012-03-27
Packaged: 2017-11-02 14:19:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/369919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moodwriter/pseuds/moodwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What you yearn and what you get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind a Mask

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Ok...so I'm not sure of the exact premise/set-up/whatever but when I first heard this song I thought "I NEED someone to write Adam/Tommy" inspired by this song and you're so talented that I couldn't pass up the opportunity to suggest it! It's Glittering Cloud by Imogen Heap. The lyrics just immediately made me think of them and it has an almost frenetic pace and driving forward momentum that feels, to me, like everything is tumbling out of control. If I had to be more specific with a prompt I would say something angsty and painful (which you do so well) but happy or at least hopeful at the end. And not AU and probably not established relationship but it might lend itself well to established hooking up or something. Sorry I know I'm totally babbling! This is bitter_sea226's (from LJ) prompt.

_I'm not always like this  
It's something I become  
A terrible weakness  
In my nature, in my blood  
Save me, oh save me,  
save me from myself  
Before I hurt somebody else again_

_Domino motion jump starts when we touch  
The blackout approaching  
Here it comes now, wish me luck  
It's all over, it's all over,   
it's all over in a flash  
I can't remember,  
What have I done now?_

_Go go faster wider  
More more get it down yeah  
Dance dance take me over  
Glittering Cloud_

_Oh, my head hurts  
Oh dear, oh dear._

_It's all over the papers  
On the TV, wagging tongues  
The artist's impression  
looks just like me  
only... better  
Don't blame, don't maim me,   
I can't help what I am  
Oh, Lord knows I've tried to_

_Go go faster wider  
More more get it down yeah  
Dance dance take me over  
Glittering Cloud_

Glittering Cloud by Imogen Heap

 

What should've been a fun evening turns out to be the shittiest night Tommy has ever had. They're in a VIP party, Eyes Wide Shut or some shit, wearing masks, and drinking free cocktails. 

It was fun until Adam got lost, and then returned face flushed and eyes cocky and cold. 

Now, Adam is dancing, rubbing himself against anybody who comes too close, and they all do, touching his hair and face and arms, their hands sliding lower. 

Tommy only knows Terrance of the people who are with them, and his throat feels tight when he tries to answer their questions. Adam knows so many people, has always known, and it's just a little too intimidating to Tommy. He stands up, pretends that he's going to the toilet, but in fact he just needs air. He'd go home right now if his jacket and keys weren't in Adam's rental car. 

He walks past beautiful people, one after another, their smiles and yearning eyes following him, making him feel wanted but uncomfortable at the same time. It's terrible and exhilarating, and he wants to get out. 

Someone takes hold of his arm, pulls him close, and kisses him on the lips. He doesn't get to see if it's a girl or a guy because he's taken away again. There are too many people, and he can't figure out how he got here among this group. They are taller than others, their presence strong and unyielding, and he's scared all of a sudden. He realizes he's looking for Adam now, the dance floor, but he can't see anything through his hair and the mask and the mass of people who're holding him down. 

He panics, and pushes his way through, forces them to let go, and he's out in the open again. Less crowded. Less suffocating. He looks around, and sees the lights. The music is the same everywhere so he can't follow that. 

Tommy stumbles because his legs feel weird, like they aren't his, like he didn't learn to walk with them. He looks down, and the ground seems to be far away. It's scary so he looks back up. Everything seems to be more alive, the beating hearts of everyone there creating a pulse to the club itself. He breathes with the pulse, and forgets himself for a while. 

When he looks around again he sees the dance floor. It's full of bodies, warm flesh, people. Girls with long hair. Boys with strong legs. Very little clothes on them. 

Tommy takes a step towards those bodies, but someone blocks his way. He groans because he's going somewhere and he keeps forgetting why. 

"Hello beautiful," someone whispers in his ear. "Wanna dance with us?"

The voice feels good against his skin and he sinks closer to the body, seeking warmth. The person laughs, gentle and sweet, like Tommy is someone special. "Dance with us."

He nods, letting himself be pulled to the right direction. He doesn't have to look for the way anymore. 

The mystery voice is a guy with a spiky black hair, a skintight vest, and a smile that eats Tommy's mind. The other part of the mystery is a girl who's wearing nothing but a dress that looks like a nightgown. Her feet are bare, and Tommy wonders briefly if there are shards of glass on the floor. 

"I'm Saara," she says, and bites his lower lip. The contact is so sudden he doesn't know how to react, but it doesn't matter because he gets no chance to say or do anything. The mystery voice pulls him against his body and says, "I'm Nick." His hands slide over Tommy's stomach, stopping at his hips. "We're going to make you feel good." Tommy believes him, and because of that he lets them hold him close, lets them play. 

There's a nagging feeling at the back of his mind, though, like he's forgotten something important. 

The girl, Saara crouches in front of him, then slowly gets up, moving like she knows how to please him. He closes his eyes because it helps him concentrate, helps him keep the lights where they belong and the ground under his feet. 

When Nick palms him through his pants he wakes up a little, sees what's going on, but he can't stop it. He needs it, and it feels good. Just like they promised. 

"You're ethereal." He's not sure who said it, but it doesn't matter. The bodies against him move to the beat, to the pulse of the club, their heartbeats frantic, their breaths harsh and hot against his skin. Wet lips, sweaty hair, warmth, and he lifts his arms up, leaning back, laughing. 

They want him. He wants them.

He's in a bathroom, pants around his ankles, so hard he can't think straight. How he got there? Who's with him? Doesn't matter because there's hot breath close to his cock, and his nerve endings are screaming. He leans against a strong body, so, so turned on he sees white. 

"Fuck," someone says - could be him, could be his imagination - and then someone grips his arm hard, painful as hell. 

"Pull your pants up." It's Adam, of course it is, black hair falling over one side of his face. 

He tries to argue, but Adam means business. Either he does what he's told, or Adam sues someone's ass. "What have you taken?"

Tommy frowns. He's not taken anything. He shakes his head because he can't remember how to speak, not right now, not with a dry throat. 

Adam hauls him out of the bathroom, then pulls him through the crowded club. He tries to keep up, but he's legs are shorter and don't seem to want to do what they were made for. 

Outside, there are flashes of light, and they make his head hurt. He whimpers, hides his face with his free hand. Everyone sees him. Adam is still holding his arm, fingers unforgiving, digging into his flesh. 

When he tries to speak Adam turns to look at him, face expressionless. "Don't say anything."

Adam pushes him inside a car, and they are on their way. He rests the side of his face against the window, breathing with effort. 

Adam taps his shoulder, and he turns to look at him. "Drink this."

It's water. Tommy doesn't want to take anything from Adam right now because everything feels terrible, like he's hangover but not, like he's swimming underwater and his lungs are screaming for air. He takes it anyway. His throat is so fucking dry. 

"Someone slipped you something?" Adam asks. "Your pupils are blown."

When? He doesn't remember. He felt good until Adam came. It was all good. 

"Do something with your hands. Move your feet. The worst will pass." Adam doesn't sound concerned, and that makes Tommy breathe a little easier. He shakes his legs, taps his fingers against his thigh, and Adam was right, it helps. The worst of the fog lets go of him, and he's feeling mellow again. 

"Better?" Adam touches the side of his face, and God, he can feel every line of his fingertips. It feels beautiful. He leans closer, nodding, and Adam laughs, so sweet Tommy doesn't understand why he resented Adam before. "You're a mess."

He doesn't care. He just wants to be closer. He nuzzles Adam's neck, then straddles his hips, rubbing against him. "Tommy." 

"I'm still hard," he whispers against Adam's skin. "You can do something about it."

Adam puts his hands on Tommy's hips, holds him still. "You're high." The words are soft-spoken and sweet. "I... Just never mind. Sit here if you have to but that's all."

He can't accept that. No feels ugly. "I'd do anything." He kisses Adam's ear, his jaw, cupping his face. "I was going to do anything anyway." He laughs, and Adam stiffens underneath him, but then relaxes, breathing with Tommy. "I could ride you here and now." 

Adam grabs his arm, and that frees his hips. He starts moving, like they're fucking already and it feels like heaven. He throws his head back, back arching. 

"Tommy, stop." Adam sounds exhausted, pained. "Please. I don't want to bring you down, but I can't take this now."

It does bring him down, crushes him to the ground, makes him fall so hard it fucking hurts. But there's something wrong and even his drug-influenced mind can see that. He hugs Adam, hard. "Sorry."

Adam laughs against his shoulder, then puts his arms around Tommy. "He dumped me."

"On the fucking phone?" Tommy almost yells, and he has to close his eyes because it hurts. That's why Adam felt cold before. 

"On the phone. He's there, packing his stuff." Adam sounds robotic, and Tommy wants to soothe his pain. 

"Where do you want to go?" he asks, stroking Adam's hair. 

"Hotel."

Tommy is all for it. He tries to remember why it could be a bad idea. "Want me with you?" He takes off Adam's mask, and kisses Adam's eyelids. 

"I can't let you out of my sight."

"I can make you forget," he says, then kisses Adam on the lips. He could stop time there. 

Adam grabs both his arms and pushes him back. "No. Okay. Listen to me."

Tommy looks at him, biting his lower lip. "You could've let me stay there."

"And let you fuck strangers? Are you insane?" Adam sounds angry, his whole face falling. "Safe sex is not on your mind right now."

Tommy tilts his head, trying to bite back the words. "Not like you've cared before."

"Fuck you." Adam leans his head back, closing his eyes. "I'm so fucking fed up with this. Your bullshit. This fucking stupid life. Everything. I care, okay. I've always cared. I've just never been this desperate before."

"Why didn't you... Why? Never."

"Because you're different."

Tommy rests his hands against Adam's chest and leans closer. Adam lets him. "How? There were moments. It could've happened. Instead you found someone else." 

"Why are you in my lap now?"

"You know why."

Adam looks at him, pulls Tommy's mask off, touches the side of his head. "You're a fucking tease, Tommy Joe."

Tommy sucks in a breath, angry and frustrated and a little hurt, too. "I'm in love with you, you fucking idiot. You have everything. You can do anything. You're not going to look at me twice. I have to be high to have the courage to come close. That's why. Fucker."

"What?" Adam's stunned face is hilarious and beautiful at the same time, and Tommy kisses him because he can't stop himself. Adam doesn't kiss him back, but he expected that. 

"Yeah. Loved you like a brother. Loved you like a friend. Loved you like an unattainable fucking star - the kind in the sky. I've loved you in all the fucking ways possible. I don't care. I can love you. I'm strong enough to do that. But don't kick me out. I'm not a tease."

"Oh my God." Adam sounds so shocked Tommy has to look at him to make sure he's still breathing and not suffocating on his own shock. "I thought... fuck! What? Oh my God... I've hurt you."

Tommy pats Adam's shoulder. "It's fine. I'm used to it."

Adam looks even more shocked, and he wonders what he said wrong. "I'm such a fucking moron."

"Yeah." He agrees because Adam can be blind to things around him. He's so driven by the things that he wants to achieve, the things he hasn't yet seen. 

"Oh, please, make me feel better," Adam mutters, and Tommy takes it literally. He grabs Adam's hair with both hands and stares into his eyes, loving the way Adam feels warm and familiar under him. He twists his fingers, hurts Adam a little, still holding his gaze. "I could, you know," he says.

There's something dark and strange in Adam's eyes, but it passes, and Adam puts his hands around Tommy's neck, fingers brushing his ears. "I'm sorry."

That is the wrong fucking thing to say. Tommy wants to open the car door and jump out. He doesn't want these intensified feelings, doesn't want to feel any of it, ever. "I hate you," he says. "So fucking much."

Adam pulls him close, wraps his arms around his neck, and his face lands against Adam's ear, the side of his face, his hair, his skin, and he can smell Adam, that distinctive smell of everything good, everything that feels right. "Fuck you for fucking things up." He could cry, but he doesn't want to. He can't. He won't. "I'm sorry I didn't say anything."

The car breaks suddenly, but Adam holds on to him, and he doesn't land on his ass on the floor. It's not safe, though, and Adam pushes him off his lap, puts the seat belt around him, like he's a child who needs taking care of. He wants to bite Adam's fingers off. 

"You look scary," Adam says, sitting sideways, stroking Tommy's cheek. 

Yeah, he moves fast and bites Adam, the side of his hand. He meant to hurt him, but instead he licks the skin after biting it, gentle and not cruel at all. He's lost it. He has no control over himself with Adam anymore. 

"We'll figure this out when you're sober," Adam says quietly. "I promise." 

Tommy huffs, trying to hide how much it affects him that he's confessed everything and Adam is reacting the way he is. It fucking sucks. The red haze has returned, and he feels like the car is a cave, something deep and dangerous. "You're not sober," he says because it's the only safe thing he can think of. 

"No, but I'm still thinking straight."

"You shouldn't be. You could do anything right now. We could have fun." He feels malicious all of a sudden. He wants to hurt Adam because everything is hurting him. He just doesn't know anything that could hurt Adam. He doesn't have the kind of weapons that could hurt him. He has nothing. "I probably wouldn't even remember any of it in the morning."

That gets him a look his never received before. Adam looks like he could hit him. They've never hit each other, not even that one time when they had a screaming match on the side of a road in Europe because Adam had gone missing for five hours and wouldn't explain why. He was just acting like an asshole towards everyone else, until Neil kicked him out and Tommy went after him. 

"I see," Adam says, cold and calculated. "You have a very good image of me."

He thinks of his words because he doesn't quite understand why Adam is angry. Then it hits him, and he looks up, into Adam's cold gray eyes, fierce and apologetic. "I don't think you'd abuse your power over me. I didn't mean that. It's... Just. Fuck. I didn't mean that."

"What did you mean then?" Adam's tone isn't quite as harsh, and his hand is back, touching Tommy's cheek softly. 

"I meant... I wouldn't care if you did."

"Don't you see that's as bad." Adam pulls Tommy's head against his shoulder, and kisses the top of his head. 

He doesn't see it at all. There are things he wants, and he wants them right now. The only thing stopping him from getting what he wants is Adam's morality. He does remember Adam is suffering, though, and that's the only reason why he's only pushing the matter and not taking any action at the moment. He can control himself a little if he wants to. It's not fun, though. It makes everything dark and sad and depressing. 

If Adam wants to use him, if Adam only wants to fuck him, that's fine by him. He's not picky right now. That's what he tried to say, not that Adam is a fucking bastard who only cares for his own happiness. 

"It's not bad if I want it."

Adam sighs. "You don't know what you're saying."

"I'd make you forget."

"Nothing's gonna happen, baby." Adam holds him closer, and then informs the driver through intercom that he wants to be taken to the Four Seasons Hotel. 

Adam takes care of everything, and soon they're in an elevator on their way to their room. Tommy rests his weight against Adam because he's exhausted and he needs the contact. He's shameless, but Adam doesn't seem to mind. 

When they reach the room Tommy gets rid of his shoes and jacket and jumps on the bed. "I'mma sleep here," he says, spreading his arms and legs wide and still not covering most of the bed. 

"I'll watch over you." Adam sounds sweet, his eyes kind, and Tommy watches him, leaning against his elbows. 

"Would you have ever loved me?" He can't believe he's asking all these questions, saying all these stupid things. He's not in his right mind. 

Adam just stares at him, then kneels on the bed, touching Tommy's leg. "Let's talk about this in the morning."

"Let's talk about it now. I'm not going to say anything tomorrow." He wants Adam to know. 

"This is so fucked up. He just left me. You're saying you love me. You're high for crying out loud. I don't want you to tell me these things now. Please, Tommy."

"Do you even find me attractive?" And if that doesn't sound pathetic he doesn't know what does.

"Very."

"Then use me."

Adam's eyes are huge, and his chest is rising fast. The hand on Tommy's leg grips him hard. "No."

"Fuck you, then." He turns his face away, grinding his teeth together. He feels so heavy. Lonely. "Fuck you," he whispers, choking on the words. 

"I can't change the direction of my heart in a second, but you've always been there. Always. I don't want this now. It's not real. I don't want you this way. Not you. Ever."

Adam lies down, his back resting against the pillows, and he pulls Tommy in his lap, wraps his legs and arms around him, like he might die without him. "Just shut up, okay. I'll keep an eye on you. Sleep if you want to. I'll be here." 

Tommy relaxes against Adam's chest, listens to his heartbeats and just feels the closeness. Maybe this can be enough. "I love you." 

"Yeah. Sleep now. Please."

Tommy thinks he's never going to fall asleep, but it happens anyway. Sleep, the sneaky bastard. 

 

***

 

Tommy wakes up in a bed that doesn't smell like his own. He can't remember how he got there or with whom. All he can remember is going to a vip party with Adam and his entourage, wearing a mask and an expensive suit. He remembers Adam's words just before they entered the venue: "Leave your inhibitions here."

He must have done that because he has no memory of the night. Nothing. 

He's fully clothed, and his head feels like someone hit him with a baseball bat. He tries to move a little, to open his eyes, but it hurts too much. He groans, then stops even that because it's painful, too. 

It's possible there's someone with him, but he can't feel anyone's presence. 

"You awake?" It's Adam, and Tommy's heart skips a beat. What the fucking fuck did he do to be somewhere unfamiliar with Adam. 

"Uhhuh," he mutters, and regrets it immediately. 

Adam pulls the blanket down to reveal Tommy's face, and he dares to open one eye. "How are you feeling?"

Like puking. "Bathroom," he croaks, and without a second's thought, Adam lifts him up and takes him there. Adam holds his hair while he throws up, and he'd probably think it's sweet if his whole existence wasn't so horrible. 

When there's nothing left to vomit he rests his forehead against the toilet seat, not caring one bit about germs. "I feel dead," he says.

"You'd be in less pain if you were dead." Adam kisses the side of his head, and pulls him up. "Brush your teeth."

Adam holds him up, arm wrapped around his waist while Tommy tries to make his shaking hands do the task. He's so pathetic, but he manages to do it anyway. Adam takes him back to bed after that, and tucks him in. Soon after that he has a water glass held close to his lips and he drinks with greed. 

"I'm sorry you had to go through this," Adam says after a while, lying on his side next to Tommy. "Someone gave you something. I called the place when you fell asleep, but there's nothing much they can do unless they notice something from the security cameras there."

There are black circles under Adam's eyes, and he looks exhausted. Tommy feels sorry for him.

"You didn't sleep," Tommy says with effort. It's not a question. 

"I had to be sure you'd continue breathing."

"Thank you." What else can he say? There's very little he remembers about last night, some of it coming back to him now. He remembers the club, the music, the lights, a girl rubbing herself against him, his pants around his ankles, someone's fingers curled around his arm, pulling him away. He remembers saying something stupid to Adam, remembers Adam's expression. "What did I say to you?"

Adam looks uncomfortable. "Can you eat something? I could order strawberries and ice cream." 

"That bad, huh?"

"You wanted me to fuck you."

Oh. The shock must be evident on his face because Adam brushes his hair off his face and leaves his hand there. 

"It's okay. Nothing happened."

That's not why he's shocked. He can't believe that something like that came out of his mouth. He actually said that? For real? "What else?"

"It's not... We don't have to talk about this now."

"What else, Adam?"

Adam sighs. "You said you're in love with me."

He can't take that. No way. 

"Hey, don't. It's okay." Adam tries to pull him into a hug, but he pushes his hands away. 

He's just not going to take this. It can't be happening. He never wanted this. "Don't laugh at me," he whispers because fuck if his voice is gone. 

"Why would you even say that... no. Tommy, it's okay." Adam tries to pull him close again, but this time he nearly falls off the bed when he tries to get away from him, and Adam lets him be, a scared look on his face.

"I didn't mean to... I don't want... Fuck." He has no idea what to say or how to make it better. He's a fucking loser. 

"Hey... listen, I'm... this is really bad timing for anything. He dumped me last night-"

"He what?" Tommy turns to look at Adam. "What? On the phone or what?"

"Yeah. It's been stirring. We had a fight, a big fucking fight. And made up, but it didn't... It's a mess. And I don't want you to feel like you did something stupid last night. It's okay. We'll figure this out. Together. Please. Just please, don't feel bad."

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know. All I know is it was a huge shock to hear that. I thought... whatever happened between us was never anything more than good friends messing around a little. I never... You. Just let me hold you, okay? I can't think of it now. Everything is complicated. But it was the only bright thing that happened to me yesterday. So don't think it's bad that you told me."

Tommy hesitates for a moment, and then scoots closer to Adam who promptly wraps his whole body around Tommy. "Did I really ask you to fuck me?"

"Repeatedly. And you nearly drove me crazy. You are hot."

Tommy laughs at that, then says quietly, "Promise me, we're not going to do anything stupid."

Adam tightens his hold, and kisses Tommy's forehead. "I promise."

 

The End


End file.
